Usually at this time of year, news outlets will run pieces looking back and mourning the celebrities who have died in the year just past.
Let’s do something different. Let’s look back and celebrate the celebrities who are still alive …….. despite the fact that National Enquirer said they were on the verge of death during 2017.
Val Kilmer
Cher
Angelina Jolie
Yoko Ono
Kurt Russell
William Shatner
Terence Stamp
Kirstie Alley
Lisa Marie Presley
Melanie Griffith
Betty White
National Enquirer are obsessed with Cher, more specifically, with Cher dying.
As in, Cher actually dying, and not people mistakingly thinking she was dead, when it was Thatcher and not that Cher who was dead.
So, let’s look back at all the times in 2017 that National Enquirer said that Cher was dying.
January – Broke, dying and accused of $5m swindle
February – Says her goodbyes after a killer virus.
March – Brought back from the dead. Just like that guy, you know, Dirty Den from Eastenders.
May – Live saving liver transplant.
June – Relapses after Gregg Allman dies.
October – Deathbed confession that she lost five babies.
October – Dying and desperate for quick cash.
November – Sick, frail, loveless, flat broke and wanting to die.
At time of going to publish, Cher is still alive, and was slagging off Donald Trump on Twitter eleven hours ago.
Even though he died in 1977, you just can’t keep Elvis Presley off the cover of National Enquirer. In fact, you can’t keep Priscilla and Lisa Marie off the cover either.
So, let’s look back at the eventful 2017 that the Presleys, living and dead, have had according to National Enquirer.
Disclaimer, not everything may be actually true.
2017 began with four arrests in a plot to steal Elvis body.
By February, Priscilla was dating Tom Jones.
In March, Lisa Marie was homeless and broke after spending Elvis fortune.
And was then “Trapped” in a Scientology “Hell”.
Before going into a psycho rage because her mum stole her ex husband.
And then a spell in jail for being a monster mum.
Before being on the verge of death due to drug abuse.
In a double whammy in June, Lisa Marie reunited with her twins, while Priscilla was on the verge of death,
Meanwhile, Priscilla was addicted to plastic surgery.
August sw the 40th anniversary of Elvis death, where it was claimed his autopsy was covered up.
Before Priscilla confesses to killing Elvis.
So, what for the Presley’s in 2018? Elvis to be spotted in Coventry riding on the back of Shergar. It wouldn’t surprise me.
Going to let you in on a secret, a dirty little secret if you will.
Every Wednesday morning I call into the Post Office on my way into work, I check the news stand to see who is on the cover of National Enquirer.
It’s a gloriously trashy American tabloid, and most of the stories are too far fetched to be true. I’m obsessed with checking the covers every Wednesday.
When they are obsessed with a celebrity, they are really obsessed with them. One such celebrity they are obsessed with is John Travolta, who made frequent cover appearances in 2017.
So, let’s look back at John Travolta’s 2017 via the medium of National Enquirer covers.
January – GAY SEX CONFESSION ON TAPE!!!!!
By March, he was growing man boobs.
In May, there was a $275m divorce bombshell as his wife caught him with his man.
By June, the divorce was off, as we got to hear about his open marriage.
So open in fact, that he was having 11 men mile high orgies. That’s an entire football team.
The following month, he was probed by cops over a gay sex assault.
The year ended with the revelations that he had a secret adopted son.
So, divorce, sex scandal, moobs, divorce, orgies, secret children. This is more exciting than anything on TV. You couldn’t write it, but National Enquirer did.
Stay tuned in 2018 for more exciting adventures from the world of John Travolta. Wether any of it is actually true is another matter.
Analogue Boy In A Digital World 