A galaxy of stars descended on Belfast last night as the biggest names in showbiz such as Hugo Duncan, Pamela Ballantine and Pete Snodden were all in attendance at the 2011 MTV EMAs, held at The Odyssey in Belfast.
Madonna was noticable by her absence, having spent the night in a police cell after assaulting a photographer early in the afternoon.
Madonna, one of many stars to take advantage of Belfast’s range of exclusive boutique stores, was arrested whilst on a visit to Connswater with her 20 year old “Personal Trainer”
“I saw Madonna and her male companion just about to enter Connswater, and I shouted, ‘Excuse me Mrs Robinson, can I get a photo?’, because when you see an old woman walking around East Belfast with a man young enough to be her son, you naturally assume it’s Iris Robinson with her latest toyboy” said the photographer.
Controversy was provided by Julian Simmons, working as a roving reporter at the event for UTV Live, during a live interview with Peter Andre and The Saturdays.
“Look at the state of ye, I haven’t seen as much fake tan and make-up since I was in the Beach Club last weekend ………………….. and you wee girls aren’t much better” he said during the live piece, causing Mollie to cry, before handing back to Paul Clarke, who made a tit out of himself by proclaiming to be a fan of “En Dash Dub Zed”
Simmons was later thrown out of the event by security for pestering Cheryl Cole by telling her “It’s about time you got rid of that toerag Ashley” before adding “Do you want a real man who will watch Coronation Street with you?”
Despite the mass coverage given to the event by UTV, BBC Northern Ireland ignored the event, on the basis that neither Graeme “G-Mac” McDowell or Rory McIlroy were on the guestlist, thus making it not worth covering.
Sinn Fein held a protest outside the event due to the fact that Take That, who have a singer called Jason Orange, were on the bill, and that this was “Just another example of British oppression of the people of Ireland”
Eventually, the Parades Commission ruled that Take That had to perform as a four piece without Jason Orange, not have a Lambeg Drum or Flute in their performance, and couldn’t sing “Relight My Fire”, as Sinn Fein considered this to be a song yearning for the 11th July Bonfires.
Naturally, the DUP complained, and organisers appeased them by allowing Dawn Penn to sing their favourite song, “No No No”
The crowd was treated to a surprise duet between Adams and Ritchie. Not the leaders of SDLP and Sinn Fein, but, even more gruesome than that, Bryan Adams and Lionel Ritchie.
UUP Leader Tom Elliott was also in attendance, and found himself sitting at the same table as X-Factor crooner Wagner.
“I can’t believe I was sat beside a joke figure that nobody would admit voting for” said the Brazilian singer.
After performing a duet with host Jackie Fullarton, Bono then waffled some shite about the peace process and how he single-handedly brought about the Good Friday Agreement, as a means of giving himself something to do between the Pop and Elevation tours.
“If you thought getting John Hume and David Trimble on a stage was impressive, i’ve gone one better and reunited Oasis”
Unfortunately, whilst waiting backstage for Bono to shut the fuck up about the Peace Process, Liam and Noel Gallagher got so bored they had a fight, and refused to go on stage.
The night was a complete success, until Megadeath singer Dave Mustaine dedicated his Limetime Achievement Award to “The cause”
The clean-up of the riot that followed means that all the economic profits made from this event will now be spent on the clean-up, as politicians rushed to the scene to do interviews for television saying how terrible it is.
The 2011 MTV EMAs in Belfast, really was a night to remember.
Analogue Boy In A Digital World 